(introduction)

Her name is Santana Lopez. She is a doctor at Lima General Hospital, and she is harried, busy, and heartbroken. She works in the emergency ward, and is always there in cases of need. She has worked on several patients, including Julie Hudson, the young ten year old girl who was killed. She sits down with us on her break, dark hair pulled up in a messy bun to keep it out of her face, dark eyes aged far beyond her years, filled with the sights some of us are not strong enough to see. She can’t be older than 25, but the stress lines have caused her to look over 30. We wait patiently for her to start, letting her know that she can tell us whatever she likes on the subject. She seems unsure, so we start her off with a question: ‘has it gotten easier to talk to parents?’

“We are doctors, not public figures. We aren’t paid because we are eloquent and can use euphemisms. We are paid so we don’t have to. But sometimes, I wish I knew how to tell someone the best part of their life is gone without having to say ‘I’m sorry, but I failed, and now they’re dead’. Because it is your fault. You tried, and you attempted your best, and you wouldn’t give up on them, you just keep pumping their chest and praying silently that this time you won’t have to walk out and sit their parents down and say he’s gone, because you hate doing that. It’s awful. And even though both of you know that it’s not your fault, there will always be that thought in the back of your minds, wondering if there was something else you could have done. And maybe there was, and maybe there wasn’t. But either way, you have to get over it. You’re supposed to get over it, and just let it go, because you’re a doctor and you have to deal with this stuff every day and it’s nothing you’ve never seen before but it still kills you. I am so afraid to fall asleep sometimes because their faces come back to haunt me. I know it’s not my fault, but if I could be there to stop some kid from doing this, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would pull them aside and say, ‘it’s not worth it. You may think it’s fun, and you may think it’s cool, but if you sat in and watched as I tell your parents you’re dead, maybe you’ll decide that it’s not’. I don’t know. I guess I just have guilt on my shoulders.”